I came to quit...

I came to Sheffield today and it took a record 6 hours to get here. The worst journey I've ever made north. Just horrible. But that sort of suited my objective, which was to quit my PhD. A bleak prospect, almost as bleak as torrential rain and jack-knifed lorries on the M1.

But I got here and cried at my supervisor and started to feel better. She asked what I wanted to do. I don't know, I said, immediately starting to weep. And then she asked the question "Do you want to leave?"

And I said... no. No, but I don't know how not to. I don't know how to finish. How do I negate my lack of time, lack of funds and declining mental health? I have to start at least part-time work. That's a given and when that happens... well, what happens to the thesis? She had no immediate answers, but she gave me a beautiful Christmas present and took me for sushi and at least briefly the wound was covered up. Which I really needed. Tomorrow and Thursday the decisions will be made.

I wish it was easy to walk away from this. I dream about it. Just the other night, my brain gave me an answer to something in a dream that I could not work out whilst I was awake. Tell me how I can walk away from something like that? It's impossible to do it, it's impossible to not have regrets if I leave it behind. I'll always know that with more discipline and (well, independant wealth would help tbh) less being mental I could have been a Doctor. I could have had that University position, that path I picked at 10 years old... that just didn't work out.

So, that's where I am right now. Hold on to your hats, the next entry could be explosive. Or really sad.

Leave it, it's not worth it?

Warning: contains mostly me. 

I suppose I should make a comment about blowing dust off this thing, since it's been a full two years since I last posted in it. The second to last post on here is about giving my PhD one last shot... which I did for a bit, then decided it was all too much and I took a 'career break' much to the chagrin of people invested in me as a PhD candidate, and I went away for a bit. (It was definitely a career break, I definitely wasn't just running away. Nope.) I wanted to see what it was like being somewhere else for a bit and see if I could heal some of the bits of me that were broken... and I suppose I did to a certain extent, so that's nice.

Of course, I came back eventually and after a few weeks enjoying the UK again (it's possible, I assure you. I had a year without a roast dinner. What kind of year is that?!) and then I decided to bite the bullet and return to Sheffield full time, to my department and give the PhD one last shot. Again. That was an interesting decision, to be honest. Even after a year away I couldn't give it up! Imagine that!

But sadly, I find myself having problems once again though (because life is never easy), but they are slightly different this time. Whether that's better or worse, I don't know. So, I thought I'd talk about them a bit.

If at first you don't succeed?

This is going to be a bit of a departure from the usual toothy shenanigans I tend to bring to this blog. Instead I am going to write a little bit about my PhD, inspired by a recent post by the charming but palaeontology crazed Jon Tennant over at Green Tea & Velociraptors. I have to say, his thoughts on the subject are a bit more positive than mine are going to be...

I am in the fourth year of my doctoral studies. It's euphemistically called your 'writing-up' year. Of course, in my discipline you're expected to finish completely within three years - consequently, the fourth year is unfunded and mostly unsupported by your institution. Although a lot of people stray over their three year allowance, it's seen as a bit of an academic faux pas. It gets worse if you take longer than that of course. If you take more than four years you become spoken of in hushed tones in darkened corridors as a warning to others.

I like to think of it not so much as a writing-up year, but a period of existing on very little income, caught between needing a job before you run out of rent money and finishing a thesis you despise. And yes, I do despise it. I love my subject, and I love the gubbins that a PhD entails - the teaching, the outreach, the learning and the kind of day-to-day intellectual interaction you get exposed to... but the PhD itself? I'm not so keen on that and I don't think I have been for a long, long time.

It's safe to say that my experience of undertaking a PhD has not been ideal. Just before my it kicked off, the long term relationship I was in failed epically and miserably, I quickly moved into a horrible shared house and soon after I became ill. It was a like building a castle upon a bowl of jelly - so think of this as full disclosure - it was probably never destined to work out well for me.

My initial supervisor was an eminent professor and a genuinely lovely person, but unfortunately, not the kind of supervisor I needed at the time. Turns out that 'hands-off' is not the mode of supervision someone like me needed - but I wasn't really in a state to let anyone know that. So, I wandered aimlessly for a long time in the vast fields of academia, producing work of variable quality, hoping it would eventually click and I would manage to produce something of consequence.

The saddest thing is that no-one noticed. I accidentally bluffed my way through every upgrade, every progress report and presentation I had to give. I have no idea how, but not a single person for two years noticed. I take full responsibility for that of course. If you don't throw your hands up whilst you drown, it's not always possible for passers-by to see you as you slip 'neath the waves.

 

In the last year, things started to change. I have a different supervisor, a better home life and my progress over the past year has been phenomenal compared to my first two - but I'm still running just to keep up. It's not fulfilling and it does not make me happy. Every word I write still feels like a struggle (ironically, it's a bit like pulling teeth), but since I am two chapters away from being able to hand in, I've decided to keep on at it. At least until summer. It's a precarious decision, but I've always been a 'regret something you did, rather than something you didn't do' kind of girl, so here goes. I have a few more months to get it together and hand the bloody thing in. Wish me luck!

In an attempt to do something other than whine on the internet though, I thought I might present a few words of advice for people undertaking a PhD, just in case anything I have learnt might help. So, here goes:

• Money. If you want to do a PhD, please, please, make sure you have enough funding or other income to allow you to do it without worrying about rent and bills and how to afford shoes. I had very minimal scholarship funding, which I was very grateful for - but I thought it would get me through if I was careful with it. It didn't.
• Support. You might be a devil-may-care rogue of a person, a lone wolf who only needs themselves - but if, like me, you are not, I suggest not doing a PhD without a good support network of family, friends and colleagues around you. Lonely nights and a lack of human conversation do not a happy worker make.
• Seeking help. If you find yourself struggling, talk to someone, anyone in your department. I wanted to hide my situation in case they got rid of me, but it did me no favours in the end. No-one actually expects you to be infallible.
• Be brave. If you do not have a supervisor that suits your working style or your nature (for want of a better word) and you feel like someone else might be better, change. I was told it was ' too political' to do such a thing - but fuck it. Change and find the support system you need. It's your PhD, not the PhD of some coffee room know-it-all.
• Failure. I wish I had recognised a long time ago that failure has a lot of different meanings. I realise now 'dropping out', what I saw as my ultimate failure, wouldn't have been so bad to do in the first couple of years. It's actually only a failure if you make it into one. Lots of people do just fine without a doctorate :)

So, there you go. That's my doctoral experience. Lots of people have fantastic, wonderful experiences, but it's worth noting that it's not a given. If you find this because you are struggling with your studies, that's okay. You can do it! By the same measure, if you really don't want to do it any more, that's fine too.

Do what makes you the most happy.

Linzi